i'm trying. Confession 5

the truth is,

i'm incapable of loving.

if i say i love you,

it means i'm trying, very hard.

i've been hurt so many times in so many diff ways,

by so many diff ppl.

some of them don't even know it happened.

it could be a simple thing like a conversation,

some words here and there,

a simple move,

or simply something we stopped doing together,

could hurt me,

could show that my love has not been returned.

i've been hurt by friends more than any boy could hurt me.

the first cut is the deepest.

and i was never the same anymore.

i kept me to myself,

i try very hard to love ppl around me,

but i love myself more,

and i don't wanna be hurt again,

again and again,

i try hard to love others.

but again and again i get hurt.

so it gets harder got me to love and to trust anymore.

and the vicious cycle never ends.

and whenever i find a friend that i could trust,

i give my heart to loving this friend,

then somehow,

i get hurt again.

i'm incapable of keeping friends.

guess no matter how hard i tried,

i can't love enough to keep my friends to me.

there'll always be someone who comes along and take them away.

unless i learn to love again,

i'm cursed to be lonely.

my friendships never last more than 5 years.

and if they do,

we're not close friends.

not too close.

we might see each other from time to time,

spend time together,

but we don't see each other very often.

that's the only way i keep friends.

if we spend everyday together,

it won't last long.

got stung by a bee yesternight.

2 something in the morning.

was sleeping and suddenly out of nowhere i was awaken by this prickly feeling that hurt alot.

i got up and there was this tiny wasp stuck to my arm.

was my first bee sting,

so kinda thought too much bout it.

what if the sting went into my heart n i never woke up this morning?

or i was poisoned by it and i never see the sunshine anymore?

that was what kept me thinking.

few days ago,

someone asked me,

if he died, 

will i miss him?

of course i will,

but for how long?

a day?

a week?

a year?

or a lifetime?

what if i died yesternight?

how long will you miss me?

will you cry whenever you see a picture of me for the rest of your life?

will you laugh at something that i said or did after i go?

will you miss the days we spent together?

how would you describe me when someone asked who am i?

a girl who u knew?

a friend?

or 

she was my best friend?

if i switched off my phone for one whole day,

how many missed calls or messages will i get?

if i ran away for one day,

how many people would notice?

forgive me if i did something weird someday,

i need to feel that i'm loved.

i am here,

but am i?

hiatus, telur dadar and Emma Watson

hiatus is a new word i learned from Voon today.

it means no activities happening.

or a lot of free time i guess.

telur dadar is what i juz realized i'm in love with.

i order it almost every time i go to the mamak stall.

to all who dunno what is a telur dadar,

it's fried egg, beaten before fried.

do they have a name for it in english??

not scrambled eggs if that's what you're thinking.

it's in one piece.

Omelette???

love it soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.  .w.

and Emma Watson.

i have a crush on Emma Watson. XD

she's so pretty, and smart,

since she's in Brown,

i guess smart can be used to describe her.

and talented.

not to mention successful....

with all the Burberry ads and campaign,

dramas under her belt,

and of course, Hermione...

did i mention pretty?

i love her look.

cute and matured. sexy too. 

pick one.

i wanna be like her when i grow up.

wait,

i'm older than her....

another one of those dreams

yup, back again bout dreams.

(read this if interested bout the previous dream entry)

the night before yesternight,

i dreamed of mouse.

it wasn't anything sweet,

not a date or a chat.

it was juz a dream with him in it,

and it's enough to make me not wanna wake up.

yesternight i dreamt that i was in an amusement park.

something like genting theme park,

but way cooler.

it has this very cool ride that i got on.

it went through the whole park

went very high up, 

with nothing under the rails.

we were practically flying.

in a roller coaster.

and at the end of the ride, we didn't go back to the start.

we ended somewhere in the middle of the sea.

with something like a giant table, 

only for us to cling on.

we kinda got swung off the roller coaster in the end.

it's supposed to do that i guess.

guess this is what i want in real life.

i dun believe that dreams mean the opposite of real life.

my mom says that if i dream that i get chased by a snake,

it means someone's seeing me, 

and he's on the move.

the thing is,

i get those dreams very often,

but see where i am.

i dun remember killing those snakes in the dreams....

anyway,

i think dreams are what we want to happen in real life,

in a way it's the opposite of real life too.

it's what we can't, or haven't get in real life.

i guess i wished that i have more chances 

to live life on the wild side.

take a roller coaster ride life once in awhile.

and not end at the starting point in the end.

everything is so routine here.

the same faces,

the same food,

the same places,

the same life.

yes, susan, 

i am sick,

sick of this life.

when in Rome

should've gone to italy instead of swiss when i went to france.

i ran away today.

juz for a few hours.

no1 even knew i ran away.

i was planing to visit the museum.

the website says it's walking distance from KLcentral.

so i got off at KLCentral,

but which direction?

so i ditched the idea,

and got on anoter train to goodness-knows-where.

got off at...

masjid jamek i think.

the malay petaling street?

then i was followed by this weird guy who was pretending he was talking on the phone.

i thought he was also walking pass the market,

but then when he stopped whenever i stop and took every turning that i took,

things got scary.

i tried to ditch him, but he kept following me.

until i went back to the LRT station.

then i went back to station Kerinchi,

figuring that since it's half way between Station U and Mid,

I could spare some cab money.

but then there weren't any cabs there.

then went back on the train and got to Station U, finally.

took the bus.

got there,

went to the cinema.

was deciding wat to watch while i was in the queue.

I wanted to watch "How to train your dragon",

but the next show will be at 10.45pm.

(it's only 10.06pm now.)

Bought ticket for "When in Rome".

got into the wrong cinema,

(clumsy as usual).

i bought the ticket 5mins before the show started.

it started juz after i sat down.

the show's quite nice.

quite.

it's about a girl who's always unlucky with love

(remind you of someone?)

but coz she's a workaholic.

when her sister get's married in Rome,

she flew there,

fell in love with the best man,

and then a little misunderstanding happened.

she took some coins from the love fountain

(wishing well for love)

and that's when things starts getting funny.

she picks up some coins that some ppl threw into the fountain,

and they fell in love with her.

without even seeing her,

or knowing her at all.

they went after her and the story goes on.

picking up ppl's wishing coins and they fall in love with you?

it's impossible. 

that's stupid.

(by the way,

ya'll know any love fountains in KL?)

then went shopping. 

bought some stuff.

loved them.

got back at 8 something,

and started trying my stuff.

till now.

then i finally found out that my phone's camera is functioning again!!!

YAY!!!

I tried it this afternoon but didn't work.

suddenly,

it decided to take pictures?

my phone has PMS....

phrase of the post:

J'ai vu ma sourit aujourd'hui.(pronounced jay voo maa suu-rii au[like audition]-joo-d-wii)

= i saw my mouse today!!! ^___________________^

when i was coming back.

his hair seems longer.

how long has it been??!!!

p.s. can't believe I watched a chick flick in the cinema... >_____________<

i dun like when

people say i'm wrong when i know i'm definitely right.

that day i was reading a blog 

the girl used "mua" to mean "my".

ok, that's what i did when i didn't know how to spell "moi".

but i put an apostrophe after the word mua so it's mua's 

like oliver's, john's....

it juz sounds more correct than mua something.....

well, moi actually means me, not my or mine.

so if you say mua blog or mua laptop,

it juz sounds like a pirate.

like me blog and me laptop.

u know like in the movies how they talk...

i told the girl in her chatbox that mua is spelled "moi" and it means me,

and said if she used it like that it's wrong.

with good intentions mind you.

i know i know, shouldn't put my nose in other ppl's business.. but heck,

i juz didn't want her to look stupid.

and to show off that i know the word moi.....?

then this person nicknamed "guest".. WTH...

comes around and says this

i dunno if it's a slang or not, but wat effect can it create?

even if it's a slang that's supposed to mean moi, a.k.a me,

again, 

saying mua eyes and mua ears are wrong, grammatically.

hellooooo...

i'm not even talking to that person.

it's either a super fan of the girl,

or the blogger herself,

disguised as guest to call me dumbass 

so she can still keep her readers even after calling them dumbass.

or the person actually meant that the effect that's supposed to be created is the dumbass effect?

well ppl, i might not be an expert in French,

but i know that "moi" means only one thing, "me".

it depends on what the item you're gonna say after the word my.

words of the post:

moi, mon, ma, mes. (pronounced mua, mong, maaa, may)

moi=me

mon (masculine), ma (feminine), mes(plural) all means "my"

it depends on what gender is the noun that comes after it.

for example,

petit ami = boyfriend.

it's obviously masculine, 

so it's mon petit ami.

if it's petite amie = girl friend.

(-e usually makes nouns feminine. usually.)

so it's ma petite amie

if you're a playboy,

you'll have petites amies. plural. (-es means feminine, plural. usually)

so you can say mes petites amies. 

sadly, mouse if always feminine,

so i can only say ma souris,

though in reality, mr jwL is a guy.

but i can always call him,

mon cher... 

--____________--lll 

nope, no thx.

sounds kinda gross...... XD

that's wat J_Fish has to say~ Au Revoir~