i'm trying. Confession 5

the truth is,

i'm incapable of loving.

if i say i love you,

it means i'm trying, very hard.

i've been hurt so many times in so many diff ways,

by so many diff ppl.

some of them don't even know it happened.

it could be a simple thing like a conversation,

some words here and there,

a simple move,

or simply something we stopped doing together,

could hurt me,

could show that my love has not been returned.

i've been hurt by friends more than any boy could hurt me.

the first cut is the deepest.

and i was never the same anymore.

i kept me to myself,

i try very hard to love ppl around me,

but i love myself more,

and i don't wanna be hurt again,

again and again,

i try hard to love others.

but again and again i get hurt.

so it gets harder got me to love and to trust anymore.

and the vicious cycle never ends.

and whenever i find a friend that i could trust,

i give my heart to loving this friend,

then somehow,

i get hurt again.

i'm incapable of keeping friends.

guess no matter how hard i tried,

i can't love enough to keep my friends to me.

there'll always be someone who comes along and take them away.

unless i learn to love again,

i'm cursed to be lonely.

my friendships never last more than 5 years.

and if they do,

we're not close friends.

not too close.

we might see each other from time to time,

spend time together,

but we don't see each other very often.

that's the only way i keep friends.

if we spend everyday together,

it won't last long.

got stung by a bee yesternight.

2 something in the morning.

was sleeping and suddenly out of nowhere i was awaken by this prickly feeling that hurt alot.

i got up and there was this tiny wasp stuck to my arm.

was my first bee sting,

so kinda thought too much bout it.

what if the sting went into my heart n i never woke up this morning?

or i was poisoned by it and i never see the sunshine anymore?

that was what kept me thinking.

few days ago,

someone asked me,

if he died, 

will i miss him?

of course i will,

but for how long?

a day?

a week?

a year?

or a lifetime?

what if i died yesternight?

how long will you miss me?

will you cry whenever you see a picture of me for the rest of your life?

will you laugh at something that i said or did after i go?

will you miss the days we spent together?

how would you describe me when someone asked who am i?

a girl who u knew?

a friend?

or 

she was my best friend?

if i switched off my phone for one whole day,

how many missed calls or messages will i get?

if i ran away for one day,

how many people would notice?

forgive me if i did something weird someday,

i need to feel that i'm loved.

i am here,

but am i?