through the rain

I have made it through the rain.

I have stood up once again.

on my own 

and I know 

I am strong enough to mend.

and everytime I'd feel afraid,

I'll hold tighter to my faith,

and I live one more day

coz I made it through the rain.

changed the lyrics of "Through the rain" by Mariah Carey.

Sang this yesterday. Love it lots.

Thx to my babes who are here even though i refuse to talk about it.

That's it.

Had a great nap,

fully revived!!!

had the strangest dream. 

I mean the feeling after I woke up. Don't remember anything bout the dream itself.

NO MORE CRY BABY!!!

World,

here I come,

again.

phrase of the post:

j'était dans une tempête. (pronounced jay-tay[like stay] don-z-uu-n tom-pet)

i was in a storm.

that's what J_Fish wants to say~ Au Revoir~

p.s. did you know that the song "Through the rain" is somehow about her parents? Their story is juz like the MV. She's white and he's black, but they made it through even there's like tons of obstacles like racial issues. They got divorced when she was three though. Got this from a comment of the MV in Youtube and wiki.

and can you believe that i was still trying my best to care for the environment when i was so sad, crying my eyes out? I was using hankies!!! 2 of them of course. and they were both soaked. Totally wet. >____________<

mornin rain

love it when it rains in the morning.

clears the air and the sky.

cried my heart out yesternight.

didn't know how long,

but it seemed like a very long night.

juz can't stop my tears.

i needed to talk to someone who i don't see everyday.

and the first person i reached out to ignored me.

i'm juz sick of doing everything by myself.

sick of being so alone.

can't find people who love what i love.

always me against the world.

but i wanna thank Chi Yee and Dawn.

especially Dawn.

she really helped me alot.

after talking to her,

i finally get to stop my tears.

i finally know what i'm gonna do after i get outta this hell.

i'm gonna work in europe as a nanny.

might sound funny,

but i get paid and travel and learn at the same time.

languages, culture.

and i get to get out of this country.

come back once in awhile and see if there's any changes.

there is certainly nothing to hold me back,

except my parents.

i'm gonna leave this sad place coz i can't find a reason to stay.

my parents will understand.

that's wat J_Fish has to say~ Au Revoir~

Mr Johnny O

thx for ignoring me when i needed someone to talk to the most.

I WILL remember this!!!

girl's day out

yes, the girl's day out.

went to red box.

sang my heart out.

got an extra hour. ^____________^

i sang from 11 to 3 something.

then they finally got tired of my screaming and stopped the songs.

天空by蔡依琳was my last song.

i sang all those songs that needs voice,

not cuteness.

can't sing cute songs.

except 单眼皮by 杨丞琳.

that's the only song that i can act cute. 

the so called rap part

a song which i didn't sing juz now. 

i needed to scream.

went to carrefour and got 2 bottles of storm.

(the advert didn't even pronounced carrefour right.

it's car-foo-rh. they should fire the person for mis-pronouncing the name of the company)

drank 1 bottle on my walk back to college.

i took the long way home.

got down in front of 1st college, passed the padang varsiti,

DTC, science fac and finally got home.

stopped at science fac's toilet to rest.

it was very hot.

and with the alcohol...

didn't make it better.

was wishing that mouse would be playing bball when i came back.

but i half expected it to not come true too.

and it didn't.

dunno if i should give a birthday present.

didn't give to the others.

except foong,

and it was shared.

planning on hand making one.

but then wat?

why can't the freaking bottle of storm make me drunk?

maybe i should drink up the other bottle too.

5.6%...

not enough.

i enjoyed my day out with me, myself and i.

enjoyed my walk,

my drink.

i know no1 would do this with me.

even if they did, they wouldn't enjoy it as much as me.

i never found any friends who are juz like me.

or at least act like me.

my current friends would think that i'm juz crazy.

to me, the connotative meaning of crazy

is sitting there trying to trick myself to study and have a brain full of knowledge,

so that we can spill it all during the exams.

ah, the pathetic problem with malaysian education system.

study to face exams.

not useful at all.

unless u take the initiative to learn more.

or it's ur chosen subject.

hope ya'll enjoyed sitting in front of the lappy or books studying ur asses off too.

*evil laugh*

phrase of the post:

je suis seule dans ce monde qui est plein d'amis. 

(je s-wii se-ll don se monde qii a[like how we pronounce the alphabet] pl-aa-n d'aa-miii)

i'm alone in this world that's full of friends.

quoting from "ghost of girlfriend past"

it's me against the world.

that's not my tummy by the way

it's my shirt flowing in the wind.

that's what J_Fish has to say~ AuRevoir~

i'm trying. Confession 5

the truth is,

i'm incapable of loving.

if i say i love you,

it means i'm trying, very hard.

i've been hurt so many times in so many diff ways,

by so many diff ppl.

some of them don't even know it happened.

it could be a simple thing like a conversation,

some words here and there,

a simple move,

or simply something we stopped doing together,

could hurt me,

could show that my love has not been returned.

i've been hurt by friends more than any boy could hurt me.

the first cut is the deepest.

and i was never the same anymore.

i kept me to myself,

i try very hard to love ppl around me,

but i love myself more,

and i don't wanna be hurt again,

again and again,

i try hard to love others.

but again and again i get hurt.

so it gets harder got me to love and to trust anymore.

and the vicious cycle never ends.

and whenever i find a friend that i could trust,

i give my heart to loving this friend,

then somehow,

i get hurt again.

i'm incapable of keeping friends.

guess no matter how hard i tried,

i can't love enough to keep my friends to me.

there'll always be someone who comes along and take them away.

unless i learn to love again,

i'm cursed to be lonely.

my friendships never last more than 5 years.

and if they do,

we're not close friends.

not too close.

we might see each other from time to time,

spend time together,

but we don't see each other very often.

that's the only way i keep friends.

if we spend everyday together,

it won't last long.

got stung by a bee yesternight.

2 something in the morning.

was sleeping and suddenly out of nowhere i was awaken by this prickly feeling that hurt alot.

i got up and there was this tiny wasp stuck to my arm.

was my first bee sting,

so kinda thought too much bout it.

what if the sting went into my heart n i never woke up this morning?

or i was poisoned by it and i never see the sunshine anymore?

that was what kept me thinking.

few days ago,

someone asked me,

if he died, 

will i miss him?

of course i will,

but for how long?

a day?

a week?

a year?

or a lifetime?

what if i died yesternight?

how long will you miss me?

will you cry whenever you see a picture of me for the rest of your life?

will you laugh at something that i said or did after i go?

will you miss the days we spent together?

how would you describe me when someone asked who am i?

a girl who u knew?

a friend?

or 

she was my best friend?

if i switched off my phone for one whole day,

how many missed calls or messages will i get?

if i ran away for one day,

how many people would notice?

forgive me if i did something weird someday,

i need to feel that i'm loved.

i am here,

but am i?