underground stuff

not me. 

kuo ning said that there are some problems with the underground cables for the internet system.

so if ur line is killing you,

you are not alone.

got stuck in college without internet connection after i posted the last post.

went out for dinner with selina, shiah, foong and soon loong.

when i got back 

NO INTERNET CONNECTION!!

FML....

internet IS my life.

susan and voon were trying to talk to me about my blog entry 

bout comparing them to selina and shiah

and bout next year's roommie thing i guess

when we were going out to eat.

so i asked them to read my blog.

when i came back voon was not in the room,

no internet connection.

talk about BTD..

bored to death..

so i tried to go to sleep.

put on some lip butter 

and it made me feel worse.

like i mentioned before,

my lip butter reminds me of France.

so it made me miss France a lot.

my plan to fall asleep didn't work.

either it's coz i was wondering what they thought after they read my blog

(voon disappearing)

or it was the lemon tea that i drank during dinner.

went to talk to Jason coz he's the only person who was not studying nor sleeping.

tried to talk to selina and shiah when we came back from dinner but they seemed very busy studying.

the talk with Jason helped a lot.

i guess he's the only one who understands how i feel coz he kinda got friend issues to before this.

he made me changed my mind bout leaving.

i've decided to stay.

this morning my sis called 

and she made me wanna move out again

coz i told her about how i felt and

it reminded me of the reason i wanna move out in the first place.

but then,

i guess i'm gonna stay. 

not with any of my babes.

i still need to learn to live without them.

i was thinking bout last year,

when i didn't stayed so close to them.

we were closer as a group.

maybe ya'll don't see it,

but i see it.

now,

the 5 of us are 2 groups.

and i'm the odd one out who needs to choose.

if only you spend more time together.

i guess distance is a good thing for me.

so many problems so little time

stupid problems surface during exam time.....

first,

there's this stupid guy who can never get the meaning

until i finally can't stand it anymore,

i have to make him understand using BLOCK LETTERS.

why is it so hard to understand that when a person blocks you from something,

it simply means 

FUCK OFF!!!

i don't care what you think about me and my problems.

you're not suppose to read about them anyway.

why the heck did you decide to read my blog in the first place?

get the fuck away from me.

i seriously feel threatened and stalked even though you don't mean to do so.

so stop whatever kindness that you're showing and go away.

PLEASE.

self-defense is NOT being stubborn.

i have my right to protect myself when i feel insecure.

i didn't want to blog about this

but i really can't stand it anymore.

even after the messages.

i'm sorry if i hurt you but that's what happens when you refuse to understand what is clearly told to you.

YOU DESERVED IT!!!

then there's this stupid looking for house/roommies problem.

the main reason i want to move out is that i'm sick with hanging on to my friends.

ppl disappoint us once in awhile and we can't blame them.

since i can do nothing about it,

i choose to run away.

and i have to learn to be independent anyway.

i'll have to move out after i graduate like it or not.

so what's the big deal of doing it earlier?

i have to learn how to survive without clinging on to my friends.

obviously they can live without me,

but i can't.

friends can simply affect my emotions when nothing else can.

(other than family who's so far away right now.)

i have to learn to live without them killing me first,

and the only way is to be away from them.

i can't let my friends control my emotions anymore.

like Steve Job (Chief executive officer and co-founder of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios) said, "life is short, don't live the life of others." 

in other words, don't let others control your life.

i'm trying really hard to not let others affect me,

but it's gonna take more than a few days.

i need time and space.

that's wat J_Fish has to say~ Au Revoir~

我不要長生不老

another song i found in youtube,

my newest best friend,

who's always there for me.

(unless there's problem with the internet connection.)

first thing i woke up this morning,

surf youtube. FML. XD

went through like almost all Jolin's old songs' MVs.

then i have no idea how 

i managed to link link link till i saw this.

i think 小鬼 is juz an avarage singer

but i love the song.

and he's cute. 

so, enjoy.

我不要长生不老

我不要自己活在冰岛……

and Jolin

the song's .

我恨我愛你 by 張惠妹 (hate that i love u? XD)

that's what J_Fish has to share~ Au Revoir~

je ne veux pas vivre seule.(pronounced je ne ve pa viv-rrh se[like selina]-u[hard to explain... like urchin]-ll= i dun wanna leave alone

new found hobb...ies

*a lot of videos to share. read when line is good* XD

can't believe this.

so many things are changing in such a short time.

i dun even know who i am anymore.. --_________--lll

i realized that i have a new found hobby.

surfing wiki. wtf right...

i actually can't stop browsing through the pages.

there are so many things in there. from people, to places, to things.

almost everything (popular) under the sun is there.

dun believe me?

try it. 

another new found hobby?

going through youtube. 

i should be studying!!! yet... XD

decided to take the song away from my blog

coz i wanna share songs... 

and i can't figure out how to turn off the song.

so might as well take it away.

it was "if i ain't got u" by Alicia Keys by the way.

love this song a lot. >___________<

love her too.

found this MV. so sad.

i didn't understand it at first.

but then i saw the comments and then...

owwwhh...... so so sad. >_________<...

enjoy.

 dun understand?

say yes. (from cirque du freak).. XD... go watch it.

it's about a girl who's man left her. She was very sad about it. (Apparently). One day some cops showed up at her door and told her that the guy's bye-bye-history. Turns out that the guy was an undercover for the cops to get info from some mafia. The guy was killed by the mafias. He couldn't tell her that he's an undercover, therefor had to leave her without a good reason. He actually was still loving her. (coz he still kept their photo in his wallet)... the end. 

oo... and i juz realized how much丁噹looked like 蔡依琳too.

say yes. XD

and i found this which is very funny. 

first, watch this

then watch this. 

and last but not least, my dear Jolin.

and my dear Jay!! 

that's wat J_Fish has to share~ Au Revoir

the thing that everyone has to go through

other than the natural processes of life,

e.g. birth, sickness, growing up/old, all the feelings, happiness, sadness, anger(unless u're the princess from enchanted.. hahahaha... ok, lame), death and taxes.

ok, taxes is not natural.

these are the things that we can never run away from,

and of course,

our two feet.

we can't run away from our 2 feet. 

so,

what is that other thing that unnatural thing that everyone has to face, other than taxes?

think...

harder...

can't get it?

E  X  A  M  S !!!!!

yup. exams.

even if u stay in the jungle with ur tribe u'll somehow face test and exams.

how to find fruits, which of them are edible, how to hunt for animals, which of them won't eat u. etc.

now, exams is the most dreaded thing for all UM students.

except a certain group who've already finished their suffering. 

T-------------T

i did study by the way.

what i studied came out.

they always do.

the thing is,

did i answer them as what i've studied? or as what i've remembered?

memory can be a very bad friend at times.

luckily i have partial photographic memory.

my mind chooses to remember what the eyes see.

so, guess that's why my results still don't suck a lot even if i dun study 25 hours a day.

they suck, but not a lot. not to me anyway.

i'm proud of my results. 

so, today's finally...

my first paper. 

finished it ok.

found out that i didn't really answer all the questions at the last minute!!!

seriously last minute. it was 1.30pm when i found out.

but it was juz one small 2 marks part, so i juz wrote 3 sentences that sounds like this.

"myth is something that is usually known by verbal sources. it might or might not be true. example: tasik chini monster." 

wrote them while the examiner was telling us to stop writing with her mic. 

the first sentence did not came out right. i was in a rush duh.... 3 sentences in 15 secs... didn't have time to think la......

did u know that there's a myth about a monster in Tasik Chini, Pahang? it's said to be guarding a sunken city named Khmer City. The city's something like Atlantis. (i believe it exist) sunken coz the gods were envy of it's splendor and riches. (dun believe this part)

stumbled upon this blog when i googled the tasik chini monster.

talks about cryptozoology stuff if u're interested.

should be studying now, but it's french literature's exam tomorrow.

wtheck am i supposed to study?!

that's what J_Fish has to say~ Au Revoir~ 

phrase of the post:

L'examen et l'enfer.. (lex-za-mong a[like the alphabet] long-fair) = exam and hell

p.s. if there are words that u dun understand, i've wiki-ed some of them. try clicking on them and u might understand better. see how much i care for ya'll. XD

if u wanna be my lover

i guess these are guidelines to become my bf? XD

juz woke up this morning and decided to do this.

spent 2 hours writing this, so PAY ATTENTION IF U THINK U HAVE WHAT IT TAKES.

and is brave enough to venture into this bottomless pit. MUAHAHAHAHA...

been reading a lot of these "rules" in FB.

how to treat ur gf and stuff.

i think some of them are juz bullshit.

not all girls want to be treated like that ok.

--__________--lll...

i've decided to come up with a set of rules*ahem*...guidelines that's just for me. i mean u. 

so, here goes. enjoy LOL-ing.. XD

U have to

1. be in love with me. (obviously... i dun think anyone's gonna fall for my body. XD)

2. love to sing k, or at least don't hate it. don't hate my singing(?)

2. read my blog everyday. it won't take long. 

2. find time to be with me. as independent as i look, we need to spend time together once in a while. or we won't be called a couple would we? unless u're from/in a far away country.

3. know how to play basketball, and love to watch the games of course. at least know the rules or at least play one sport. chess is NOT a sport in my wiki.

3. love sushi, KFC, pizza, wine, steak (beef and lamb, coz if i cook it, u eat it), alcoholic drinks, junk food and so on..... u'll know when u get me. XD u have to eat beef. if your religion forbids you from eating beef, your religion forbids this relationship. XD

4. love to watch CSI and love to watch the movies in the cinema. yup, that's how much i love CSI. if u dun even know what CSI is, u should turn around and leave. NOW.

4. love kids. even if u're not planning on marrying me, i'm gonna play with kids when i get the chance. 

5. love animals.

5. be at least 175cm. XD..  i dun wan short kids. height won't become distance right?

5. love lame jokes.

6. love going out.

6. love the environment. stop using plastic bags. at least keep up with me. have to be a non-smoker if not hate them.

7. come to me every time i need u. if it's not important, i won't call. likewise, if u need me by ur side, juz tell.

7. not ignore me when i'm talking to you. don't pretend u're listening. i'll know.

7. not hate Jay Chow and Jolin Tsai. simple. clear cut.

8. not sleep late. (2 in the morning is very late.) u have to know how to take care of urself.

8. be able to clean up ur own mess. i have a mess of my own, so i'm not gonna clean up for the both of us. you don't have to clean up mind either.

8. be open with me. tell me everything u think (that concerns me) and NOT LIE TO ME. NEVER. i won't be pissed unless it's VERY inappropriate.

9. do what u promise. don't avoid making promises. I AM NOT A PILOT. so don't give me airplanes.

9. befriend my friends. i'll get to know urs to if u introduce them.

9. never be ashamed to introduce me to ANYONE. if you're ashamed of me in anyway, bye bye. 

10. be able to cook. i can cook, so i'm not going to ask u to cook everyday, but i need to know that i can take a rest once in a while and dun have to eat out.

10. want to go to europe. coz i'm going when i get the chance. unless u want someone else to go with me.

U don't have to

1. be rich. but at least have to be able to go out with me from time to time. we can work towards that together.

2. pay for everything. i can do that by myself thank you. i mean my dad can. u juz have to pay ur share.

3. call me everyday. i know everyone has their own busy time. i dun like to talk on the phone anyway. the phone always gets hot and make my ears sweat. XD

4. ask what i'm doing every 2 hours. i'll tell you. if i don't, u shouldn't know bout it.

5. tell me what u're doing every 2 hours. unless u're going out with another girl.i'm fine with it unless u're screwing her. juz dun hide it. it'll only get worse when i find out.

5. hold my waist when u introduce me to ur friends (like the rule in FB).. no thx. if u have to hold me to show ur friends that u love me, it means u've done this a lot of times, and only those u hold are important. No?

6. kiss me in public. NO THANK YOU. call me old fashioned. lalala....

7. hold my hand all the time. i want my freedom thank you.

8. laugh at everything i say. only those that are funny.

9. love everything i love, but at least respect it and don't hate it.

10. love me no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT. XD or you can juz choose to leave.

11. reply my messages the instant u get it if you're busy. but don't drag till after a day. if it's sent during the night, it's important. i don't send msgs saying i miss u unless i really need you.

12. be my superman. everyone has flaws. juz be urself.

13. be handsome. juz dun be dirty and disgusting. if someone thinks you're disgusting, chances are, i do too.

14. be good at anything. juz be good at loving me.

15. be a know-it-all. but at least know what u're suppose to. like changing the light bulb. don't hire people to do that. very sia sui.

see, only 10 have-tos and 15 don't-have-tos. how nice is that? *EVIL LAUGHTER*

phrase of the post:

c'est tous. (pronounced say to)= that's all.

that's wat J_Fish has to say~ Au Revoir~

this is serious stuff

rommie up for grabs..

yay, another post for today.

this problem that i overlooked suddenly came and hit me in the head.

it's saying

start thinking about me you ugly bimbo.

i know, it doesn't make sense if u know what bimbo means.

so.

it's the end of the session.

time to find roommies for next year.

i'm still thinking if i should move out of college.

--__________--lll

indecisive? maybe.

and the reason to stay would be coz it's near to FBL.

i can come back and roll on my bed every time i have a break.

but if i move out i can finally cook my own food,

wear shorts when i eat,

or at least eat salty eggs, hard boiled. 

would it be worth the walk?

another reason i'm still thinking

is i dunno if i can find new roommies.

i guess voon and susan would probably plan to stay together since they're inseperable now, 

i wouldn't want to stay with them if that's the case.

it'll be the same thing as staying with selina and shiah.

the third person would probably be neglected.

i'd always be the third person.

even if they say it won't happen

it juz will.

we're a group but in groups there are always smaller groups. 

besides, 

voon's mom would die if her daughter lived with both susan and me.

she'd get a heart attack ever time she opens the door.

again, 

me against the world.

anyone planning to stay in 4th next year that needs an extra roommie?

phrase of the post:

je cherche mais je n'ai pas encore trouver. (je sh-air-sh may je nay pa-zong-core trh-oo-vay)=

i search but i haven't found.

that's what J_Fish has to say~ Au Revoir~

p.s. i have a major crush on Justin Bartha!!! >____________<..

watch The Rebound.
don't we juz love happy endings?

can't belive i'm falling for chick flicks...
why are so many things changing at the same time?!!!!

i hate being left out all the time.

through the rain

I have made it through the rain.

I have stood up once again.

on my own 

and I know 

I am strong enough to mend.

and everytime I'd feel afraid,

I'll hold tighter to my faith,

and I live one more day

coz I made it through the rain.

changed the lyrics of "Through the rain" by Mariah Carey.

Sang this yesterday. Love it lots.

Thx to my babes who are here even though i refuse to talk about it.

That's it.

Had a great nap,

fully revived!!!

had the strangest dream. 

I mean the feeling after I woke up. Don't remember anything bout the dream itself.

NO MORE CRY BABY!!!

World,

here I come,

again.

phrase of the post:

j'était dans une tempête. (pronounced jay-tay[like stay] don-z-uu-n tom-pet)

i was in a storm.

that's what J_Fish wants to say~ Au Revoir~

p.s. did you know that the song "Through the rain" is somehow about her parents? Their story is juz like the MV. She's white and he's black, but they made it through even there's like tons of obstacles like racial issues. They got divorced when she was three though. Got this from a comment of the MV in Youtube and wiki.

and can you believe that i was still trying my best to care for the environment when i was so sad, crying my eyes out? I was using hankies!!! 2 of them of course. and they were both soaked. Totally wet. >____________<

mornin rain

love it when it rains in the morning.

clears the air and the sky.

cried my heart out yesternight.

didn't know how long,

but it seemed like a very long night.

juz can't stop my tears.

i needed to talk to someone who i don't see everyday.

and the first person i reached out to ignored me.

i'm juz sick of doing everything by myself.

sick of being so alone.

can't find people who love what i love.

always me against the world.

but i wanna thank Chi Yee and Dawn.

especially Dawn.

she really helped me alot.

after talking to her,

i finally get to stop my tears.

i finally know what i'm gonna do after i get outta this hell.

i'm gonna work in europe as a nanny.

might sound funny,

but i get paid and travel and learn at the same time.

languages, culture.

and i get to get out of this country.

come back once in awhile and see if there's any changes.

there is certainly nothing to hold me back,

except my parents.

i'm gonna leave this sad place coz i can't find a reason to stay.

my parents will understand.

that's wat J_Fish has to say~ Au Revoir~

Mr Johnny O

thx for ignoring me when i needed someone to talk to the most.

I WILL remember this!!!

girl's day out

yes, the girl's day out.

went to red box.

sang my heart out.

got an extra hour. ^____________^

i sang from 11 to 3 something.

then they finally got tired of my screaming and stopped the songs.

天空by蔡依琳was my last song.

i sang all those songs that needs voice,

not cuteness.

can't sing cute songs.

except 单眼皮by 杨丞琳.

that's the only song that i can act cute. 

the so called rap part

a song which i didn't sing juz now. 

i needed to scream.

went to carrefour and got 2 bottles of storm.

(the advert didn't even pronounced carrefour right.

it's car-foo-rh. they should fire the person for mis-pronouncing the name of the company)

drank 1 bottle on my walk back to college.

i took the long way home.

got down in front of 1st college, passed the padang varsiti,

DTC, science fac and finally got home.

stopped at science fac's toilet to rest.

it was very hot.

and with the alcohol...

didn't make it better.

was wishing that mouse would be playing bball when i came back.

but i half expected it to not come true too.

and it didn't.

dunno if i should give a birthday present.

didn't give to the others.

except foong,

and it was shared.

planning on hand making one.

but then wat?

why can't the freaking bottle of storm make me drunk?

maybe i should drink up the other bottle too.

5.6%...

not enough.

i enjoyed my day out with me, myself and i.

enjoyed my walk,

my drink.

i know no1 would do this with me.

even if they did, they wouldn't enjoy it as much as me.

i never found any friends who are juz like me.

or at least act like me.

my current friends would think that i'm juz crazy.

to me, the connotative meaning of crazy

is sitting there trying to trick myself to study and have a brain full of knowledge,

so that we can spill it all during the exams.

ah, the pathetic problem with malaysian education system.

study to face exams.

not useful at all.

unless u take the initiative to learn more.

or it's ur chosen subject.

hope ya'll enjoyed sitting in front of the lappy or books studying ur asses off too.

*evil laugh*

phrase of the post:

je suis seule dans ce monde qui est plein d'amis. 

(je s-wii se-ll don se monde qii a[like how we pronounce the alphabet] pl-aa-n d'aa-miii)

i'm alone in this world that's full of friends.

quoting from "ghost of girlfriend past"

it's me against the world.

that's not my tummy by the way

it's my shirt flowing in the wind.

that's what J_Fish has to say~ AuRevoir~

i'm trying. Confession 5

the truth is,

i'm incapable of loving.

if i say i love you,

it means i'm trying, very hard.

i've been hurt so many times in so many diff ways,

by so many diff ppl.

some of them don't even know it happened.

it could be a simple thing like a conversation,

some words here and there,

a simple move,

or simply something we stopped doing together,

could hurt me,

could show that my love has not been returned.

i've been hurt by friends more than any boy could hurt me.

the first cut is the deepest.

and i was never the same anymore.

i kept me to myself,

i try very hard to love ppl around me,

but i love myself more,

and i don't wanna be hurt again,

again and again,

i try hard to love others.

but again and again i get hurt.

so it gets harder got me to love and to trust anymore.

and the vicious cycle never ends.

and whenever i find a friend that i could trust,

i give my heart to loving this friend,

then somehow,

i get hurt again.

i'm incapable of keeping friends.

guess no matter how hard i tried,

i can't love enough to keep my friends to me.

there'll always be someone who comes along and take them away.

unless i learn to love again,

i'm cursed to be lonely.

my friendships never last more than 5 years.

and if they do,

we're not close friends.

not too close.

we might see each other from time to time,

spend time together,

but we don't see each other very often.

that's the only way i keep friends.

if we spend everyday together,

it won't last long.

got stung by a bee yesternight.

2 something in the morning.

was sleeping and suddenly out of nowhere i was awaken by this prickly feeling that hurt alot.

i got up and there was this tiny wasp stuck to my arm.

was my first bee sting,

so kinda thought too much bout it.

what if the sting went into my heart n i never woke up this morning?

or i was poisoned by it and i never see the sunshine anymore?

that was what kept me thinking.

few days ago,

someone asked me,

if he died, 

will i miss him?

of course i will,

but for how long?

a day?

a week?

a year?

or a lifetime?

what if i died yesternight?

how long will you miss me?

will you cry whenever you see a picture of me for the rest of your life?

will you laugh at something that i said or did after i go?

will you miss the days we spent together?

how would you describe me when someone asked who am i?

a girl who u knew?

a friend?

or 

she was my best friend?

if i switched off my phone for one whole day,

how many missed calls or messages will i get?

if i ran away for one day,

how many people would notice?

forgive me if i did something weird someday,

i need to feel that i'm loved.

i am here,

but am i?